Only Villains Do That
4.42 In Which the Dark Lord Courts Death

Khariss insisted on bringing along a single emotional support necrospider, or at least so I assume its function was as the thing immediately scuttled into one corner of the small parlor to which it had guided us, folded all its legs under itself and hunkered down trying to look as small as possible. It’s pretty funny how eight glowing green eyes are suddenly way less terrifying than they should be when you can see the nervousness in them.

The vampire folded herself into a large armchair, huddling into a ball with her arms around her knees and her head leaning against one of the wingbacks, looking just…miserable. Tired, frightened, and terribly underfed; she was even more piteous than the spider once the anger had drained out of her.

This really was a hikikomori I was dealing with, I realized as I studied her. That was exactly her condition, and that was going to have to determine the strategy I used here; my initial plan of using bombast and force of personality to trample over her was likely to make her shut down or lash out blindly. This was going to be…problematic. I’d never dealt with one before in person. That’s kind of the point of hikikomori; you don’t deal with them. You pretty much can’t. Man, was this outside my skillset.

Never send a rock star to do a social worker’s job.

“What cannibals?” Khariss asked quietly, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and I realized I’d let the silence stretch out while the three of us stared at her. Oops, probably not the best start.

“The ones you hired,” I said. “The bandits you were buying corpses and body parts from. The ones who had sole permission to pass through squirrelfolk lands because the squirrels were afraid of antagonizing you.”

The vampire squinted at me, not otherwise moving. “What? I know about them, they were just…whoever was around. Criminals. You said cannibals.”

“Yes, those cannibals,” I replied in rising exasperation. This woman made it really hard to remember my resolution to treat her gently. “Every bandit gang who you did business with took to eating people.”

Khariss scrunched up her whole face. “What? Ew. Why?”

For a moment, I could only stare at her.

“It was not every such gang,” Zhylvren interjected smoothly. “From what we have recorded across the years, barely a majority of them. A consistent but not universal pattern. While we did not interact with them personally one bit more than could be helped, every previous Seer who kept watch over their passage noted no signs of magical or even alchemical alteration in them. It has been my belief and that of my mentor that this was merely the result of desperation and bad examples.”

“What examples?” Khariss demanded shrilly. “I barely talked to them! I don’t like talking to people!”

“You took desperate, starving people, already reduced to savagery on the outskirts of their own culture,” the Seer replied, her tone calm and even. “I assume you bought blood from them, as well as body parts? Your activities, the commerce you did with them, set the example of a person who sustains herself by drinking from living veins, while also tasking them with the collection of dead bodies, and pieces thereof—teaching them to think of people as a commodity. And what followed…followed.”

“That…no.” Khariss hunched down even further, burying her face until only red eyes peeked out between her sleeves and the fringe of her unkempt hair. “No, I didn’t… I wouldn’t make them do that. I needed those parts, they weren’t supposed to… Ugh, no one would eat people unless they had to, take it from someone who knows! That’s not my fault!”

Oh, the things I could say in response to that. Zui caught my eye and shook her head once. I nodded; she was right. We’d get to that but this conversation wouldn’t go anywhere if I backed the unstable vampire into a corner and agitated her.

“Well, I guess that’s one mystery solved,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone inappropriately light for the subject matter. “Good, we’re making great time. So! Let’s chat about Void altars now.”

Khariss hid her face and began rocking back and forth.

I inhaled slowly, steeling myself with all the effort I could muster. Fucking hell, I did not have the temperament for this. Give me a stage to perform on… Or zombies to blast with lightning. That I can do.

There was a light touch on my arm, and I turned to Zhylvren, while Zui silently padded across the carpet to stand next to Khariss’s chair.

“There is no deception in her,” the Seer murmured very softly. Her familiar hissed at Biribo and she flicked its nose without breaking stride. “Not merely that she did not lie to us—she has no deceptive intent. I have never seen a person so utterly lacking it. Delusion, yes. Beware this woman’s misperception of reality, Dark Lord; she has conjured a world more bearable than the one she hid away from, and ripping the pretty pictures off her eyes will send her into a panic. But I think she will only try to deceive herself, not us. It seems almost as if her ability to deal with people has so atrophied that she no longer perceives the option of tricking others, much less the method.”

I really needed to sit down with Zhylvren and have a discussion about her Blessing of Wisdom. I expected that to end in a mischievous runaround, both because one’s Wisdom perks were highly personal strategic data and because Zhylvren was just like that, but hell, I didn’t need her whole biography or anything. Just some notion of her capabilities and how they worked. Having a living lie detector with me for conversations like this was going to be invaluable, but it was hamstrung if I didn’t know enough to play to her strengths.

That was tomorrow’s problem, though. Now, I just nodded silent acknowledgment, taking her at her word.

Zui was speaking, softly enough I couldn’t make it out from over here, but in just the last few second she’d gotten Khariss intermittently nodding. After finishing my little sidebar with Zhylvren I deliberately hesitated, giving the goblin a moment to work. She was probably the only person here who had the specific skills of this task; that was why I’d brought her.

That, and for no other reason, dammit.

“I know this isn’t an easy conversation,” I said aloud as soon as Zui trailed off and looked over at me with a nod. “And we can’t be all day about it. But as much as possible, Khariss, I’m glad to let you take your time—whatever you need to gather your thoughts. So, then. About the Void altar?”

She peeked up at me again, then over at Zui. The goblin smiled encouragingly—with closed lips, wisely—and patted the vampire’s arm. Khariss heaved a sigh that made her whole body swell and then slump.

“It was…that was here before,” she whispered. “Clan Gwylhaithe had a Spirit, but during the Crusade… It wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t here! I was in Lancor, and when…after… When she…”

I forcefully quashed my impatience and controlled my expression as she trailed off in a whimper, her lip trembling and eyes beginning to well up again.

“Take your time,” Zui urged quietly. She actually produced a clean handkerchief from within her jacket and reached up to wipe Khariss’s eyes.

Then grimaced when the vampire grabbed it and loudly blew her nose.

“Everything was falling apart,” Khariss whispered. “I came back here because… I mean. Where else could I go? It had been my home, too. But…most of the Fflyr hadn’t sided with the Crusade even after the Dark Lord freed us. Contemptible ingrates,” she hissed, her mercurial temper flashing back to bitter rage. “They deserved it, every one of them!”

“I’m confused,” I interjected, seeking to redirect her attention. “Yomiko freed the Fflyr? If you needed to be freed… How did you have a mansion and a village like this?”

“Oh, no, we took it when my Yomiko came here,” she said, swelling up with pride. “Like everywhere else, it was the Dountol who ruled. The rest of us were property. The other elves and I were kept as house slaves, the half-bloods and less working in the fields.”

Holy hell, a complete reversal of the current situation. I’d read accounts of how the Fflyr had been subjugated by those they now called lowborn, but it all had the stench of propaganda and I hadn’t been inclined to take it very seriously. Here was someone who’d been there, though, confirming that account. It was probably a good thing Aster had stayed outside in the hall. She had not been happy about that, but she’d be even less happy to listen to this.

“So Yomiko cast down the powers that were,” I murmured. “The slaves became the masters. You left with her, but the others remained here to rule. What happened then?”

“The Lancoral were invading,” Khariss whispered. “But…cleverly. Sly jaguars, the lot of them, preaching about honor and chivalry and then never fighting their own battles. They funded and organized and propped up Fflyr rebels, sent their missionaries to convert them to the Radiant Temple. I don’t… I don’t know what happened here. The others… They didn’t agree with me about following Yomiko, but they weren’t stupid. I couldn’t piece together what they’d done or why, and I went over every rhid of this house looking for evidence for the next few years. Maybe only one of them got stupid and greedy, that’s all it takes in the end. They corrupted the Spirit, and the devil…”

“Did what devils do,” I finished when she trailed off again.

“If they weren’t directly involved…at least their souls probably weren’t taken,” Zui offered, looking up at me. “Just the actual Void witch. It takes very rare circumstances for a devil to be able to get anyone else’s soul. I doubt it happened here.”

“The devil was all that was left,” Khariss said, staring emptily at the carpet. “Everyone was dead. Everything was falling apart. The last remnants of the Crusade withdrew to Shylverrael, and the few light elves who were still loyal to Yomiko had to…choose. Convert to her enemies, or live as slaves again—because there was no way the dark elves would tolerate us as anything else in their city. I was…”

“Lost,” Zhylvren said quietly. “Isolated, traumatized, frightened. Vulnerable. You needed power—desperately. So you made a deal.”

Khariss hid her face again.

“That’s how they get you,” Zui said, giving me a significant look. “Any sneaky asshole looking for leverage, but especially devils. That’s who they go after: the vulnerable people, at their worst moments.”

“I struggle to judge her,” Zhylvren observed, reaching up to stroke her familiar. “She was right about how she would have fared in Shylverrael. Yomiko may have preached equality, but once she was gone? The dark elves do not suffer equals. The naga and lizardfolk chose to bend their necks. The rest of us refused to be subjugated again, and our ancestors were pushed out to survive as we might in the forest.”

I nodded, mulling. I’d never really thought about the fact that Yomiko’s Dark Crusade must have included light elves, as well as both types of humans now known as lowborn and highborn. If she went around freeing slaves and striking down oppression, plenty of people would naturally flock to her banner. I’d seen it on a lesser scale with my own. But once she was gone, the old prejudices and racial barriers had reasserted themselves as soon as others seized power.

Suddenly I felt as if I was standing on the lip of a pit, staring down into the bitter future that awaited my people when I inevitably fell. It would be hard enough to forestall that outcome if things were just…normal. That was human nature for you. But it was so much worse than that. The Goddesses actively worked to reset the board after every one of their “games.”

Do you have a better idea?

“I realize that devil-dealing is considered among the gravest sins on this world,” I said, pushing all of that aside to be dealt with later. “Having encountered the Void myself, I definitely see why. So maybe this is just my outsider status talking, but I’m inclined to agree with Zhylvren, here. You got taken in by an immortal creature that specializes in exactly that kind of predatory behavior. And then you walled it the fuck up instead of letting it spread that taint like it obviously wanted to. Honestly, Khariss, I’m actually…impressed.”

She peeked up at me again, her red eyes wary but suddenly hopeful.

“I still have some thoughts about you using the Void altar against us,” I added, causing her to flinch, “but there, again…circumstances. It was a purely defensive action and you didn’t actively engage with the devils, just let your enemies stumble into them. Not a good look, Khariss. But.”

I raised my chin, slipping easily into a more formal style of presentation.

“Given the mitigating factors, and taking into account the punishment inherent in your own subsequent condition, by my authority as Dark Lord, I hereby pardon you for the crime of commerce with the Void.”

Tears once more began to stream from her eyes, and Khariss sniffled, dabbing at her face with the kerchief. I made a mental note to give Zui a new one; she probably wasn’t getting this one back.

“Do you actually have the authority to do that?” Zui asked, her eyebrows drawing together. “Not trying to undermine you, Lord Seiji, but we are talking about the highest and most universal law here. The forces of both goddesses drop what they’re doing and cooperate over this.”

“I’m willing to explain my reasoning to anyone who comes complaining,” I said, “but at the end of the day, the Dark Lord’s authority is based on power. I can absolutely do that so long as I can Immolate anyone who tries to stop me. With that said,” I added, frowning, “let’s…try not to tempt any more trouble than is already coming to us. The official line will be that Khariss is deemed innocent of Voidcraft and devil dealing. All three of you are to keep this matter firmly secret, permanently. Is that clear?”

They nodded, Khariss so eagerly it was almost cute, the other two solemnly.

“This is serious, ladies. I’m going to need your word on it.”

“I’ll never say anything! I promise!”

“I so swear, Dark Lord.”

“I’d be more comfortable with a written contract, but… I can see why you can’t have a paper trail for something like this. I promise, Lord Seiji, not a word.”

So far, so…good enough.

“All right then,” I said. “That leaves the biggest question. Khariss… Why zombies? What exactly is it you’re trying to do?”

She was back to staring at the floor. At least she wasn’t crying or fainting or dissociating, so that was… Man, this was just so utterly typical of my isekai. I got to meet an actual vampire, and she was the lamest creature on two worlds.

Khariss mumbled something indistinct.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” I said as patiently as I could.

“…practice.”

“Practice for…what, exactly?”

She hunched her shoulders, turning her head away, and I focused on the simple act of not grabbing her and shaking until answers fell out.

“Those zombies were all jumbled together by the time we got to ‘em, but I could tell they weren’t all in the same condition,” Zui said suddenly. “Some were better preserved than others. Some were more coordinated and faster. Khariss, have you been refining your technique all this time? Figuring out how to reanimate a corpse so it’s…as close to alive as possible?”

“That…that’s…step one,” she whispered, still refusing to look at us. “It’s…hard. I know all the anatomy by now. I can stave off decomposition. Reversing decay is very hard, though. Can’t get the body to work like it does on its own. Lots of intricate systems that have to interconnect, chemical as well as physical; I’m using shortcuts and gap fillers, and it just doesn’t… Well, it is getting better, though. I’m getting better! I’ll get there. I just… I just need more time to practice. More research. I’ll get it, eventually. I’ll be able to restore a body to perfect condition. And then… Well, I can start on step two.”

“Step two of what,” I asked quietly. I had a feeling I knew, though. It had started to slot into place while she was talking.

Khariss hunched her shoulders again, refusing to speak.

“Khariss,” Zhylvren said evenly, “is step two after restoring the body, restoring the soul?”

“You don’t care about zombies,” Zui said, staring at her. “You want to raise the dead. Bring back an actual person, their mind and soul intact, just as they were.”

Silence hung in the room as we all stared at her and she tried to pretend she was invisible.

Finally, I had to say it.

“Yomiko.”

Khariss at last raised her face, and the look she gave me was heartbreaking. Eerie red eyes brimming with tears, she was terrified and hopeful, a woman teetering on the brink of either losing everything or gaining a real chance.

“Huh,” Zui said, gazing absently at the wall. “Now that’d be… Huh. A spare Dark Lord. I wonder how that’d work.”

“Biribo,” I said, “is this even possible?”

“Uh…no. Not really, no.”

Khariss flinched as if someone had slapped her, but I turned a focused stare on my familiar.

“That was a pretty hesitant answer, Biribo. I’m used to you being more emphatic. Or at least confident.”

He zoomed around in a circle, a sure sign of agitation. “Boss, I dunno what to tell you. She’s talkin’ moonbeams and fairy dust, here.”

“You know what this reminds me of?” I mused. “Kzidnak. Right after we learned about Jadrak and Hoy’s plot. You and Radatina considering the possibility he could use a loophole to sell other people’s souls to that damn devil. This is exactly what the both of you looked like then, when you had to consider something you’d never thought could happen but was technically possible through an exploit of the Goddesses’ system.”

I looked pointedly at Zhylvren’s familiar, which was scampering agitatedly back and forth on her shoulders. She remained as calm about this as everything, simply raising an eyebrow when it finally came to a halt and stretched up to whisper in her ear.

“Lemme put it this way,” Biribo said in clear exasperation, “she’s got about as much chance of pullin’ this off as you have of kickin’ Virya off her throne and taking over.”

“So,” I said with grim satisfaction. “It can be done, theoretically.”

“Boss, do you have any idea what kinda jiggery-pokery you’re talking about here?” he exclaimed.

“Well, I mean… Soul magic is a thing,” Zui said thoughtfully. “The devils prove it. I can’t say I’d recommend taking up anything that requires using their methods, though. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and advise you not to—”

“Not just them!” Khariss burst out, leaning forward eagerly. “There are Spirits that can contact the dead! I know of three that are able to communicate with fallenHeroes or Dark Lords. None of them are accessible anymore, but that just means it can be done! Within the Goddesses’ system, it is possible!” S~ᴇaʀᴄh the NøvᴇlFirᴇ(.)nᴇt website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of nøvels early and in the highest quality.

“That’s probably how the Devil King learned about it in the first place,” I mused.

“You are talking about exploiting the absolute highest levels of the whole thing!” Biribo snapped. “It’s a thought exercise! Just in terms of pure math? Sure, there’s a teeny tiny eensie weensie infinifuckingtesimal chance of maybe pulling off something adjacent to that. But in real world terms, in terms of something actual people could actually accomplish? Forget it!”

Zhylvren calmly grabbed her own familiar, which was squeaking with increasing urgency into her ear, and gently pressed it against her chest, stroking its head. The little creature’s vivid disgruntlement was a sight to behold.

“It seems to me,” the Seer commented pleasantly, “that a thing which simply could not be done would be dismissed as such by these little agents of the Goddesses and their system. This…insistent denial that it is worth pursuing suggests that a method exists, and they know it.”

Her little squirrel familiar swelled up in muted outrage and I had to grab Biribo to stop him from dive-bombing her face like Radatina had tried to do to me once.

“And,” Zhylvren continued, “that the Goddesses would emphatically prefer that it not be done.”

“So, let’s consider this logically,” I said. “Actually resurrecting Dark Lord Yomiko would mean… First, Khariss has to figure out how to restore a dead body to fully living status. I don’t think Yomiko would appreciate us trapping her in the desiccated bones she has to be by now.”

“That’s real fucking tactful, Seiji,” Zui growled, reaching up to pat Khariss, who had just buried her face in her hands to muffle a sob.

I ignored all of this, obviously. “Second, we would have to figure out soul magic. The steps in that are figuring out how to retrieve a soul from wherever it is they go, and then figuring out how to reattach it to a body, and all of this requires fucking around with the ultimate secrets of the entire system of magic in ways that we have no realistic way of doing and frankly no idea where to even start.”

“We would also need to obtain the previous Dark Lord’s body,” Zhylvren pointed out, “which is, I believe, interred in a heavily secured crypt which is one of the most famous monuments in the Lancor Empire.”

“Ah, yes, right. Okay, taking all that together, I kinda think Biribo called it. This is not happening.”

“Thank you,” he exclaimed.

“However,” I continued, allowing a smile to rise on my face.

Biribo groaned and melodramatically flew face-first into the wall.

“Dark Crusades are chaotic affairs. This one’s only been going a few months and I’ve already run into stuff that’s outside the normal operation of the magic system—things the Goddesses would probably prefer not to have people poking around in. So…who can say?”

“You’re not seriously thinking of offering to help her with this, are you?” Zui demanded. “What’s the point of promising to do something you know you won’t be able to?”

“That is how I’d word such a promise if I were an idiot, Zui. Rather… I’m willing to offer to assist with Khariss’s little science project to the extent that I can and it doesn’t undermine my other goals. What’s the harm in that? It’s a promise I almost certainly won’t have to keep, those are the easiest kind.”

“I accept!” Khariss babbled, shooting to her feet. “I’ll do anything!”

“Whoah, hold your horses. We need to be clear about what’s being offered on both sides here. As I said, Khariss: I am willing to extend to you what help I can toward this, as long as it doesn’t go against my other, more central priorities. To me, this will never be more than a side project. I can provide you with materials and resources to advance your research—in fact, we have an entire science division and I bet my head alchemist would love to get his hands on you.”

She wrapped her arms around her chest and retreated behind the armchair, glaring suspiciously at me.

“Don’t worry, Youda’s good people,” I said with amusement. “That was poor phrasing on my part; nobody’s going to touch you. Here’s the deal I’m offering, Khariss. You’ll come with me, rejoin the Dark Crusade, abide by its rules, and apply your alchemical knowledge and other skills toward its objectives. In exchange, I will grant you a research budget and materials, as much as is economically feasible for us, to continue refining your work. To the extent that we have budget and personnel for it, I’m even willing to assign you a staff. I realize you’re…not a people person, but scientific research advances much faster with more minds and hands working on it.”

“That might be worth doing just for its own sake,” Zui said thoughtfully. “Much as the idea squicks me out, fact is there’s a lot the Dark Crusade could do with zombies. Especially if we can help her refine the process so they’re a little more…y’know, useful.”

“And,” I continued, “should the opportunity arise for me to advance your goal in unforeseen ways, such as gaining insight into how soul magic can be performed, and as long as doing so doesn’t harm my people or sabotage my goals, I will promise to do so.”

“Anything!” She clutched the back of the chair, fingers vibrating with the intensity with which she stared at me. “I will do anything! I accept your terms!”

I held up a finger. “One more. You, young lady, are going to have to work on your social skills, because you need to make some apologies and amends for all the various damage you have caused.”

Khariss scrunched her face again. “What? Me? What did I ever do?”

Zui heaved a sigh that I felt in my soul.

Sᴇarch the ɴøvᴇl_Firᴇ.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of nøvels early and in the highest quality.