Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

I couldn’t concentrate.

Now that the contest was finally upon us, I was stressing too much to really fit my head around the problem. I had that bet with Barck waiting in the wings, where he would send down an avatar to compete with me at a ‘suitably impressive’ event, and I suspected I needed to get into at least the semi-finals to set that off.

The Most Valuable Beer

Should I do something magical with [Refine Brew]?

Should we actually go ahead and add gold? Or Mithril?

And it needed to be something the populace would vote for. This wasn’t Minnova, and the general populace weren’t already used to our antics. On the grand scheme of things, we were still irreverent interlopers in Kinshasa, no matter how much the Highwatch liked barista brew. It had to be something the locals would like.

I clearly needed to clear my head, so I decided to go for a walk.

It looked like it was finally time to do something that I’d been putting off; visit the Human Market.

I’d swept past it during my whirlwind tour of Kinshasa to fill up my improved [Map] Ability, but hadn’t taken the time to really explore it. Better late than never!

I found Kirk cleaning the rafters in the brewroom, and asked him to come show me around. The cleaning was more by habit than anything else – the elementals were perfect for that particular job – so he was happy to join me for my little jaunt.

We picked our way carefully through Greywall from the tavern to the giant district. Traffic was heavy at this time of day, and there was no sense in getting trampled.

“How are you enjoying Kinsahsa?” I asked, moving out of the way of a cart. “You spent time here before, right?”

Kirk nodded. “A while back. I was originally going to try joining a human adventuring team here. But Deepcore isn’t kind to new adventurers, and the entry test is horrific.”

“Aye. Balin’s been beatin’ his head over it. I think Brightstar is taking it next week?”

Kirk’s gaze grew serious. “They are. They’ll need to fight a monster in the Adventurer’s Guild arena first, then do a written exam. It’s tough. The guild recommended I go to Minnova and spend time in Greentree first. And, well, the rest is history.”

“Any guesses what they’ll fight?” I thought back to the only monsters I’d seen thus far. Giant mushrooms, giant trees, giant ants, giant moles. There was a definite pattern there. Maybe they’d fight giant rats.

Or a giant cat. I cursed as one of the myriad felines scampered between my feet, hissing as it fled Gods knew what.

Kirk thought for a moment before answering. “Probably a shellback.”

“A what now?”

“Hmmm… it looks a lot like a pillbug, with a shell made of spiked iron plates. It rolls really fast and is a common roadblock for new adventuring teams. If a team doesn’t have a way of dealing with one, it can be a guaranteed wipe.”

“A giant pillpug?”

“Yes? Well, about chest height on a dwarf.”

“Of course.”

We stopped talking as we approached a main thoroughfare and the crowd grew a bit too large to be properly heard. We were now well within the bounds of the less ‘dwarven’ parts of town, and it was noticeable. Doorways were slightly larger, and the streets were slightly wider. The proportion of other races was quite a bit larger than near the inn, with gnomes in abundance.

And then I saw my first elf!

As we were walking past a beer garden, I spotted her sitting in a corner. At least, I was pretty sure she was a she, since there weren’t any… uh… secondary sex characteristics to tell. She was chatting with a dwarf in heavy chainmail and actually had a Whistlemug in front of her! My internal image was partly correct; she did have pointed ears, and was willowy, but her skin was green! And she wasn't much taller than a dwarf!

She was raucously laughing at something the dwarf accompanying her had said. Her mane of red hair was disheveled and she had to brush it aside from her nose as her guffaws turned into snorts. The entire effect was… less than ethereal.

Just my luck. I finally found an elf and she was more Gamora from Marvel than Arwen from Lord of the Rings.

As we drew out of sight I turned to Kirk and thumbed over my shoulder. “Okay, that was an elf, right? Not just a green-skinned human?”

Kirk looked confused for a moment, then nodded. “Oh, right, I guess you wouldn’t know. Yes, that was an elf. There aren’t too many of them down here, since they need sunlight to grow properly. They make do with some artificial sunlight that Archis Academy provides. For gold, of course.”

“Okay, I clearly need to read more than just legal and history books. GROW??”

“Hasn’t anybody told you about the elves and the trees?”

I recalled Annie saying something similar way back when. “I thought that was just a euphemism! Or some kinda subtle racism!”

“Nope! Elves are plants, technically. That’s why they live so long.”

“But-but! Why do they look like people then!”

“Because they want to?” Kirk said with a hint of laughter. There was a snarl in the traffic up ahead and we had to dip down a side street. Conversation ground to a half as we spent a few minutes concentrating on not getting lost.

My internal dam burst as we emerged back on the main street. “Okay, that didn’t help. Now I have more questions!”

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“Please, ask away! You’re usually answering questions, so I’m happy to help!”

“You said because they want to. Are they shapechangers or something? Like a doppelganger?”

“Dunno what a doppelganger is, and they aren’t quite shapechangers. Elves procreate like regular plants, just… not very often. They ‘flower’ once every few centuries or so. When an elf is born, they’re literally a seed that gets planted in the ground. As the seedling grows, it gains some basic features, like a face and a torso, and they gain some control over shaping themselves as they grow. Things like ‘male’ or ‘female’ features really depend on what they see while they’re a seedling. Elves that grow up around human settlements can be indistinguishable from a human besides the green skin and red ‘hair’. They all have the standard two arms and legs, but after that they’re all quite different. I’ve even heard of some with animal features.”

“So, they keep growing forever?” I imagined a jolly green giant with a pig’s nose and chortled.

Kirk shook his head. “No, they slow down a lot around the height of a dwarf. Once they’re big enough, they pull themselves out of the soil and walk around. They can eat and drink normally, though I believe they absorb it differently. No – uh – bathroom needs.”

I glanced back the way we’d come, though the elf lady was far out of sight. “Huh… so they live for millenia because they’re essentially trees.” That sounded more like a dryad than elf to me, but a different world meant different rules.

“They can take a lot more punishment too, since they don’t have organs. And if they get really hurt, they can replant themselves and re-grow for a decade or two.” Kirk shrugged. “Feels like cheating. And I’ve heard the really old elves – the ones that have re-planted and grown multiple times over the Millenia – can look… weird.”

Well, that certainly dashed any possibility of half-elves running around. Though…“Are there any born down here that look like dwarves?”

“Maybe? Not that I’ve seen, but it’s certainly possible.”

“Huh…”

My curiosity satisfied, we increased our pace and soon reached the human market. While the Grand Market was the best place to shop, it was deep within Redwall. That could be a good hour or two walk depending on your distance, so most districts had local neighborhood markets. This one was within the expat human district, so it was the Human Market, but lots of people shopped there in general.

As we approached, we saw more and more humans, until they outnumbered the dwarves. They were almost as varied, with skin tones ranging from black to pasty, and a myriad of different clothing styles, though there wasn’t any blue, green, or pink hair that I could see.

There were a lot of extremely striking people. Deepcore was a well maintained intermediate dungeon, and adventuring teams were some of the few that could make the risky trek here. Consequently, nearly every person we saw was athletic and statuesque as heck, of both genders.

Kirk and I caught each other turning our heads as a bombshell blonde in a fur halter-top walked past, and he laughed.

“You have a thing for tall and beautiful too? Leftovers from your previous life?”

I thought about the question. I… didn’t? There was an aspect of appreciating beauty for beauty’s sake, and partial habit, but none of the desire I would have expected to feel. And ignored, of course. Though I wasn’t married anymore… so I didn’t need to ignore it? Either way, she wasn’t rustling the old Jimmies.

“Not really. I’d like to be able to have a date without needing to look up the entire time.”

“Hah! Seems like Aqua’s the odd one out!”

“Whuzzat!?”

“What, you couldn’t tell she has a thing for giants?”

“I thought she was joking!”

“Naw, I can tell. They look at you a certain way when they see you as interesting.”

I gave him a look. “Now you’re just bragging.”

Kirk gave me a flashing smile and flexed. “I can’t help it if Kirk Manly is a prime specimen.”

“You mean prime speciman.”

“Booo!”

The Human Market was almost exactly like the free-for-all at the centre of the Grand Market, with people, carts, and stalls filling a roughly five hundred metre square. It lacked the outer ring of fancy buildings and store fronts though, so it was more like a traditional bazaar.

It was… mostly disappointing. I did find some rice, and while I seriously considered buying all of it and immediately making some rice beer like Tsingtao or Kirin, there just wasn’t enough of it available. I got the merchant selling it to promise to get more, and paid him some up-front for the trouble.

Shortly after, we ran into the first human child I’d ever seen on Erd. What I’d assumed was a tall gnome turned out to be the son of the proprietor of a fabric shop that Kirk and I were browsing. They had some beautiful linens made in South Erdian human style that were simply divine. It was luxurious, with a feeling not unlike satin, but more.

It also cost more, since it was made using some dungeon monster bits from a far off-locale Kirk and I had never heard of.

I could afford it, but… my armor was so comfortable now...

I decided against buying a bunch of expensive new clothes and simply meandered for a while. Kirk followed behind, buying bits and bobs and lots of snacks.

I was only really window shopping, since I had my [Map] up and running with notifications turned on. It was set to ring me if anything from a long list of ingredients showed up on the minimap. I’d never actually gotten any ‘notifications’ since I got the Ability, which meant I almost jumped out of my socks when there was a cheery *DING!* sound that seemed to come from everywhere at once.

“Huh?? Whuzzat!” I spun around looking for the origin of the sound before I realized what it was. I quickly pulled up the minimap, and lo and behold there was a cluster of green dots in one corner of the market. Right where the peddlers and more transient merchants were located.

I pointed. “Kirk! Over here!! I found something!”

Kirk was eating a confection that looked like a cross between a honey cruller and an apple fritter. I’d caught him mid-bite, and all he was able to manage was a mumbled, “whuzzat?” around the mouthful. I grabbed him by the elbow and maneuvered him, protesting, through the market.

At the indicated location a South Erden man with an olive complexion was seated on a large cloth. He was wearing South Erden style loose-fitting clothing held together by a dark orange sash. He also had a look that I was beginning to associate with Specialised people. It was hard to describe, but there was a feeling of assured power when someone got enough Milestones. Baskets around him were filled with odd flowers and fruits. I spotted what looked like a dragonfruit, as well as some bananas and dates.

The proprietor gave us a friendly look and smiled widely. His accent reminded me of Aishablue’s vaguely Punjabi accent, though he really didn’t look Indian, more Greek. “Hello friends! Welcome to my store – Exotic Eats of Erd! My name is Ganji, and I am a twice Specialised [Continental Teleporter]! I travel the world to share strange and wonderful new treats and delights with the people of Erd! Barck has truly shined upon you, that you chanced upon me during my visit to Kinshasa!”

Kirk swallowed his treat and wiped his mouth with his sleeve before answering. “Hey! That’s neat! I kind of want to try those pink ones. What about you, Pete? … Pete?”

I barely registered Kirk’s voice. My entire world had narrowed down a basket full of small, green, pinecone-like flowers.

I reached out to them, my hands beginning to shake.

Kirk taped me on the shoulder. “Pete? You okay?”

“Kirk.” I choked, tears springing to my eyes. “I found them… I found hops.”

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